Words by:
Busby
Hiking in nature is the best way to experience San Pedro, so I went to one of the most special places in the world to do it: Rainbow Mountain in Peru. It was one of the hardest, and most profound journeys of my life.
Even without psychedelics, Rainbow Mountain is unlike anything I've ever experienced before – the colours are mind-blowing. But it was a massive struggle getting to the top. I wanted to tap out; I wanted to stop so much, but I kept going, and when I finally made it to the top, the feeling was truly incredible.
On the way back down, I suddenly felt the presence of a strong, grandfather energy. It was like he was putting his arm around me, and having a conversation with me as I walked back down the mountain.
He told me, _“This is what life is all about. Life’s about struggling. Life’s about pushing your boundaries. Life’s about wanting to tap out but not doing it – the sun shines on the other side of that struggle.” _
He reassured me that nothing can break me; I’m a strong man and this is my identity. I felt like this one day was symbolic of my whole life – I want to give up but I don’t. I keep pushing, and pushing, and then when I get through it, there’s this amazing feeling of release and euphoria.
As I continued down the mountain, I started thinking about my Dad. The struggle got too much for him and he did tap out. He took his own life. It was so painful to recognise this, but I felt the grandfather energy gently encouraging me to let this go; now was the time.
I instantly burst into tears and fucking cried my eyes out. It's the first time I've ever really cried about my Dad, in all these years. It was so special because by the time I reached the bottom of the mountain, there was nothing there. I felt like I’d let it all go, and I’d properly grieved for him.
I think, in today's culture, we, as men, often bury our emotions as it somehow feels easier. It’s a heavy weight to carry though, and the problem is that pain then manifests itself in different ways in the body, calling for our attention through illness, aches, pains, digestive issues – the list goes on.
Psychedelics helped me to bring these feelings to the surface, making me face them head on. It’s been difficult processing these emotions, there’s no getting away from that, but I feel like I’m being guided and supported, and I trust the higher power. It felt good crying about my Dad, and the emotional load feels lighter now. After all, emotions are there to be processed. They’re an expression of energy, and energy has to move.
